yescomply

We all thought my sister was too ambitious when she moved out to LA, but now that my ambitions follow the same route out there, her move seems validated.And As if I needed another to want to move to Los Angeles, my sister just called, told me they’re shooting CSI: NY outside her window, and, oh yeah, she almost ran over Gary Sinise. What? I know. Just as Lieutenant Dan finally got his legs back, she tries to take them away. She had no ill intentions, made evident by her star struck, “heeeey,” as she almost killed him. Just another day in LA.Every time I visit, I always come away with stories of accidental encounters. Last time, I ran into Stanley from the Office in a Whole Foods parking lot. At least he’s trying to stay healthy. Speaking of the Office, when my sister and I were delayed at LAX, we were waiting for the same flight as Karen Fillipelli. This was back during her early days of the Office, so we were the only ones who recognized her. Once we boarded, I’m pretty sure she was stuck in coach.A few days prior to our departure, I held the door for Freddy Rodriguez at Mel’s Diner. The same Mel’s diner where we sat across from a couple of reality stars, sans the cameras.All this in just a week or so. All I get down here in Miami is a washed up reality star from 2000’s Real World New Orleans. Back then, he swore he’d be the first black president… and now he works as a waiter at a comedy club. Not all ambitions work out, do they?

I read the yahoo! local news for my area. It was frightening, or should I say, I was frightened. This is what the headline read, at first glance: “miami area to be demolished this weekend.”

Jesus Heinz Christ! I live in the Miami area… and there’s so much I haven’t done with my life. I’ve never tried to exchange a product I took from inside a store with a receipt I found outside (if that supposedly works). I’ve never got to eat shellfish (not that I’d want to). I’ve never gotten higher than a 121 on a round of bowling… without bumpers. I never told my wife that I love her (the details that I don’t have a wife are irrelevant).

NO! I’ll be demolished with the rest of the Miami area… why? Why not Seatlle? Or someplace in the SouthWest!!! Why! oh. On Second read, it says, “Miami Arena”. There’s an “N” in there. “Miami AreNa.” I didn’t get that the first time. Nevermind.

Poor Devin Hester. Not so much in the spotlight anymore, are we?

If I had something interesting to write about, I wouldn’t be blogging about football. I could put up the generic blog about my feelings, or what I’m going to get my family for the holidays, or how I’ve been home for just a week, and I’ve just about bored my pants off… that’s not even true.

I just thought that was a cool title for a blog. The punt of no return. No? Just me. Okay.

Hey, you know what’s so great about snow? Hydration. Probably. I don’t know. There has to be some ecological advantage to frozen rain that kills everything it touches. The only positive thing about snow is when school/work is cancelled… or that when it’s over you can finally enjoy the spring and summer. You earned it. By foolishly living in a snowy climate for three long, arduous months, the heat means something.

For all of you living in warm climates all year round, you don’t appreciate anything. You take it for granted, like shoes and socks. You know that there are a billion people in the world right now without shoes. Sure, I just made that up, but figure, it’s night time in a quarter of the world, right. So probably a couple billion people are sleeping… you’d be hard pressed to find enough people who sleep in shoes to prove me wrong.Therefore, I believe that there are over a billion people without shoes. Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong. Start a tally. I dare you.

Goodnight, moon

I recently saw a list online, the 9 things women are attracted to in men. On the list, humor, money, confidence, looks (I know, I know, slut), convenience, etc. This list isn’t fair. If you have the looks, you have the confidence. If you have the confidence, people actually get your sense of humor. If you have the money, you have the confidence, but also, girls find you convenient… conveniently rich. This means girls are only attracted one thing… convenient, overly-confident douche bags.

I’ve compiled my own list of what I find attractive in women:

hair - no, not the way it looks or feels, though that can help. Nay. It’s the smell. As I always say, “if it ain’t roses, I smell, she can go to hell.” Also, split-ends are a no-go.

credit - I don’t need money. I just need to know that you won’t max out my credit card… singular. I only have one credit card, but mind you, I have awesome credit. It’s in the triple digits. And no, I’m not just interested in credit because of those awesome songs from the freecreditreport.com commercials, but those don’t hurt.

Intelligence - no, I don’t want to be with brainless, skinless piece of chicken breast, but also, I don’t want an over-achiever. The perfect level of intelligence is equal to, or less than mine. Any smarter, and she’d realize that she shouldn’t be with me.

Sense of humor - I’m not so interested in her sense of humor, because we all know funny girls are trying to cover up a hairy body. No, I’m interested in someone who gets my sense of humor… I know, I know. That severely limits my search down to three people on Earth… and I’m probably related to 2 of them.

Talent - Sure, she can have sweet smelling hair, and credit enough to get a loan for an all gold rocket-car, but she has to have some ability. The ability to find me talented. Not a lot of people out there will agree that I have any skill whatsoever, but if there’s one who can see it in me, she’s probably a little cross-eyed, and that’s okay. Looks aren’t on my list.

Citizenship -  the girl of my dreams isn’t using me to get her green card. I know this, because she already has to be a US citizen. Just to be safe, she has have been born in the USA. Yes, I have the same stipulations as it takes to run for President; either a war veteran or a Harvard Law grad… I’m not picky.

Acceptance - I’m not referring to accepting me as I am, because even I haven’t mastered that. No, this girl has to pass what I call the “Nina Meyers” test. Not that I’m expecting her to stay loyal, and not start killing people behind my back, and setting me up to take the fall, because let’s be reasonable, nobody’s that perfect. No, what I’m looking for is someone who won’t keep coming back after I kill her off. Figuratively, of course… though in a literal sense, no, I do not date zombies. Sorry, Mischa Barton. I said “no.”

I punched my computer in the back of his face. It’s a laptop. So he went down fast. He closed right up. Good. He’s a doo-doo head.

I’ve been having troubles with him all week. I uninstalled some program that kept giving me problems… it was an anti-virus program. Then I tried to re-install it… turns out that when I reinstalled it, it gave me a virus. Then Windows found this program which it automatically installed for security reasons. It tried to update it… but forced me to buy it first. Which would’ve been fine except that for security purposes (to keep myself from doing further damage), I wasn’t allowed to access the internet… this is worse than HAL 9000. We created a monster out of these computers, and they have created a dependent monster out of us.

News is weird. If you heard that Lady Lohan was going out with a Lady DJ, would you believe it? If you heard that Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is going to star in a remake of the Karate Kid, would you believe it? You have to. The most absurd news are always the most true. If the Jackson 5 are having a reunion tour, and Michael isn’t going to be there, do they have to change their name to the Jackson 4? Because that would just look stupid. It’s one of the concerts to look forward to… but only if Janet’s there, too.

Aside from California banning gay marriage, which doesn’t even make sense (why would you go out of your way to keep somebody from being happy?), yesterday was quite a victorious day for Americans everywhere, whether they realize it or not. I hate the traditional stigma that comes with politics, but that’s why I’ve supported Obama since ’04. You might remind me that I didn’t even vote, but one can do a lot more than vote, to be a part of this momentous occasion.

I voted for Obama when he ran for Senate, so yeah, I voted for change… before the rest of the country had an opportunity to. And when Dick Durbin introduced Obama, 4 years ago, as the next President of the
United States, I believed him.

I live in
Florida, but I don’t have proof that I’ve lived here for over a year, so I can’t vote here. I could’ve sent in my absentee ballot to
Illinois, but absentee ballots have never been counted in a Presidential election. Instead, what I did for the campaign was more subtle. When I lived with Obama-bashing Conservatives for a year, I told them, during the Democratic nominations, and ever since, that Obama was going to win… they refuted this time and again, but I always held up my stance. Guess what, for once, I was right. Every time, and this happened more than you’d ever realize, every time something ignorant or false was said about him, I defended the truth. He’s not a Muslim. He doesn’t pray to Reverend Wright. He’s not a n—-r. And guess what, he is qualified. Harvard Law? Ever heard of it? No.

For once, my team won the Super Bowl, or the World Series, but bigger, much bigger. I haven’t been part of a winning team since for many many years.

This election has renewed my belief in things I gave up on as a teenager; politics and
America. Now when other countries look at us, there won’t be this image of a war hungry
America, or one run by corporate interest.

After hearing the official news that Obama had won, I turned from CNN to Fox News. It was quiet. It was reminiscent of when the Cubs swept the Sox, and the Sox announcers didn’t say a word for several moments. It felt good.

I feel like Michelle Obama: this is the first time I’ve been proud to my country. Perhaps this will change my whole outlook on things. I did get up this morning, and I did teach myself how to juggle, how to be a mime and I even went for a run. I haven’t done anything this pro-active in years.

I woke up, and the song, “Red Rubber Ball,” by Cyrkle, was in my head.

“I think it’s gonna be alright. Yes, the worst is over now…”

You cant beat a guy who is so educated yet so down to Earth. He’s getting his daughters a puppy. Come on, I’d vote or him just for that.

When I was in high school, during the worst and earliest of the W years, I was in a few punk bands, and the common theme of many of our songs was about how the President is decimating the quality of life of many while helping out those few who need it least. I can’t imagine what kind of band I would be in if I was just getting into high school now. Probably a polka band. They’re always upbeat.

Good night, Moon

Pending some latent symptoms, it appears that I have beat the rabies. Of course, it was a case of self-diagnosis, but when you play with a stray cat for several hours over the course of many days, you run the risk of catching any number of diseases. When that same cat breaks your skin, with many a-sharp nails, that risk increases.
But it seems I’m clean. The only sickness I have is Election Fever. That’s right. I’m burning up. I’m chain smoking candy cigarettes and chuggin’ down cups of coffee-flavored vitamin water.
I was relieved to find out that Kentucky went to McCain. No offense to the people in Kentucky, but we on the Left have survived without you for centuries. More than anything, I want Obama to win, but there are certain states that I don’t want associated with the Blue I’ve been wearing all day… in support of Democracy (and the Smurfs).
These states include, but are not limited to:
The Sweet Carolinas
The nation of Texas
Alaska
South Dakota, Dakota Jr. and Dakota Fanning
The Altered State
Misery
Canada
and last, and probably least, the great State and Potatoes of Idaho.

Yes, who da ho. I know, it’s funny. So is putting your own name on the ballot and voting for yourself. “And coming up fourth in the polls behind Obama, McCain and Nader, representing the ‘I didn’t get Invited’ party, Phil McCracken.”
Don’t worry Phil, you’re bound to be elected eventually. Try Alaska. They’ll vote for anyone… and I hear there’s a vacancy.

I went to the store for two simple things. Eggs and milk. I just got home, and I have the milk, 2%, but I also have a pumpkin spiced egg nog, 3 bags of candy, a burrito and some sort of rabies. Baby rabies, not full blown rabies.
Allow me to explain:
The pumpkin spiced egg nog was on the shelf next to the milk. It was the last one. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful in my life. I love pumpkin, I love egg, and I sure as hell love me some nog. This way, I justified it: I got the eggs, just in nog form.
The candy is still half off. YES!
The burrito I bought at taco bell, because I left Walgrees, and realized that I had not purchased any food which I could eat for lunch. I hate taco bell, but I love going there. It’s like revisiting a real complex film. Every time you see something new. Whether it’s disgruntled employees that have run out of options, or disgruntled patrons who want to spend the 20 free minutes they have all day dedicated to eating their Grade D meat and three-fried, refried beans in peace, not on their cell phone with their wives – who they obviously beat on a regular basis (clearly, they’ve run all out of options too).
Today I learned there is a healthy option on the taco bell menu, The Fresco Menu. I know, I know. It’s funny. 9 items under 9 grams of fat. Interesting concept. It’s basically the same old TB menu that we’ve come to hate, but with less beans and more lettuce and tomatoes. Also, in a smaller, more reasonable portion. But if you eat half a dozen of them, the low-fat really doesn’t even matter.
Here are a list of 9 other foods I’d rather eat (all of which are under 9 grams of fat).

My hat.
A mouthful of cat hair.
9 tic tacs (totally 9 calories. Beat that, corporate Mexican food).
A lifetime supply of Tootsie Rolls (as always, a fat free food)
10 fingernails, and 8 toenails (big toes, you don’t want to venture there).
One of those 6 subs from Subway
Butter-less rice krispie treats (screw it, I’ll just eat the marshmallows).
Hardee’s Monster Thickburger (coming in at 1420 calories, it’s not under 9 grams of fat, but it is just barely under 109 grams of fat).

There were a few more things on the list… but I ate them. I’m hungry. I should’ve bought those eggs.
(to find out about the baby rabies, come back tomorrow)

Today is the 2nd best day of the year, behind the day after Christmas (not only do all the toys go on sale, but it’s the maximum number of days until you have to start buying X-mas gifts again). Today’s the day all the candy in America goes on sale! YAY! Who wants whoppers? Peanut butter cups? Candy Corn? I sure as hell do. I know it’s not fair, because when you’re younger, you get the candy for free. The kids are definitely a strain on the capitalist system. But we tax-paying, candy-buying adults, today is our Halloween. All the candy is still fresh, but now it’s only half off.
Didn’t get any Nutrageous at the office party? Go out and buy some you fat mess.
All the trick or treaters took your peanut M&Ms? Walk your big bones over to walgreens and drown yourself in the buy one get one free aisle.
If only there were deals like this all year round. Like the day after the Sopranos went off he air, all TVs should’ve been half-off.
The 5th of July should be national Explosion day. I mean, those firecrackers ain’t gonna be any good come next year. Be patriotic now. No way to show your affection for American than by pissing off your immigrant neighbors.
The day after Columbus day, should have buy 2 get one free sails on Boats. Buy the Nina and the Pinta, we’ll throw in the Santa Maria free.
After President’s day, we should all get to screw prostitutes half off (seeing how the President is screwing us for free).
After the Indy 500, we should all get a free gallon of gas. That or the next race should be only 400 laps. Deal.
I’m off to steal me half a bag of Almond Joys. I’ll pay for the other half, knowing that this bag’s for me… not those free-loading kids dressed up as ghosts or doctors or Irishman or teachers. My candy.

Goodnight, moon

Man, I just thought about it. It’s 3:04. I have 3 hours until I have to leave for work. School’s are getting out soon. What if a kid comes to my door asking for candy? Or worse, what a kid comes with his mom? Would it be appropriate to trick them? They do ask for a trick or a treat. Not many act on the former, but I could.
I would say, “yes, just give me one moment’s time. Delicious candy awaits.” Then I’d sneak out the back door and run like hell. After a good 3 minutes, he’ll ring my bell again, and eventually flee. He’d probably steal some of the patio furniture. I have a chair out there that I found on a street corner, with an envelope attached that read, “FREE.” So I took the chair, and put it in my yard. To avoid any confusion, I added the word, “TIBET.” This way pedestrians don’t break into my yard and steal my chair, thinking that it’s free. Instead, they think it’s a protest chair, and they know I can’t sit in that chair until Tibet is free.
Seriously, though. If a little comes by, I have nothing to offer him but granola bars, ramen or spite. That’s not a type-o (or keyboard-o). It’s not supposed to say, “sprite.” I wouldn’t give a little kid a beverage of lemon-lime, sugar and bubbles. No.
A word of advice. Anyone who dresses as a teacher, is probably a Narc of the candy world. Don’t give him anything that can have you arrested. Don’t accidentally give him the apple with the razor blade inside. It’ll come back to haunt you, in ways you can only imagine.

Good night, moon