yescomply

Today is the 2nd best day of the year, behind the day after Christmas (not only do all the toys go on sale, but it’s the maximum number of days until you have to start buying X-mas gifts again). Today’s the day all the candy in America goes on sale! YAY! Who wants whoppers? Peanut butter cups? Candy Corn? I sure as hell do. I know it’s not fair, because when you’re younger, you get the candy for free. The kids are definitely a strain on the capitalist system. But we tax-paying, candy-buying adults, today is our Halloween. All the candy is still fresh, but now it’s only half off.
Didn’t get any Nutrageous at the office party? Go out and buy some you fat mess.
All the trick or treaters took your peanut M&Ms? Walk your big bones over to walgreens and drown yourself in the buy one get one free aisle.
If only there were deals like this all year round. Like the day after the Sopranos went off he air, all TVs should’ve been half-off.
The 5th of July should be national Explosion day. I mean, those firecrackers ain’t gonna be any good come next year. Be patriotic now. No way to show your affection for American than by pissing off your immigrant neighbors.
The day after Columbus day, should have buy 2 get one free sails on Boats. Buy the Nina and the Pinta, we’ll throw in the Santa Maria free.
After President’s day, we should all get to screw prostitutes half off (seeing how the President is screwing us for free).
After the Indy 500, we should all get a free gallon of gas. That or the next race should be only 400 laps. Deal.
I’m off to steal me half a bag of Almond Joys. I’ll pay for the other half, knowing that this bag’s for me… not those free-loading kids dressed up as ghosts or doctors or Irishman or teachers. My candy.

Goodnight, moon